The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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