I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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