so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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