so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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