apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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