Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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