When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
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In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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