Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
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Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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