I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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