The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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