My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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