My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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