Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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