Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
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You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
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I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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