I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
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Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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