I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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