I could make wine with my vomit
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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