It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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