so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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