I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
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Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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