I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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