I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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