There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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