saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize