I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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