i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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