I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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