Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize