She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
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I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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