just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
How's work?
Spinning.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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