my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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