I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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