hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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