i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize