The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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