i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
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I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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