Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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