So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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