DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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