May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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