Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
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I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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