so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
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who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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