A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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