the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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