The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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