In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
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How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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