12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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