I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
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Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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