Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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