I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
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It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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